I hope this submission leaves you in a condition of uncontrolled and irreversible “wow.”

Want to learn what not to put in your query letter? Or maybe you just can’t get enough #queryfail? A self-proclaimed “grumpy literary agent” has started SlushPile Hell, a Tumblr blog dedicated to terrible author queries he (or she) has received—plus snarky commentary. Here’s a quick sampling:

Greetings agent. I have written the most important book on earth.

Will someone, for the love of God, please kill me.

Hello. I’ve queried more than 50 other agents with this and have gotten nowhere. Now I’m querying you.

You had me at hello.

I’M TYPING MY QUERY IN ALL CAPS SO YOU WILL BE SURE TO NOTICE IT!

Wait, I’ll respond to you when my retinas stop burning.

Get your near-daily fix of query awkwardness by checking the SlushPile Hell blog, or follow on Twitter. Via.